Tears

Two years ago a group of college girlfriends started trying to keep in touch through blogs and I joined in. I couldn't imagine the profound effect another blogger I didn't even know would have on me.

Is it strange that Monday night I cried for a woman I don't know, have never met, will probably never meet, yet feels so close? I've been reading her blog for a couple of months now but I don't remember how I found it. She experienced the stillbirth of her son in October and she is working through the tragedy on her blog. Reading C's blog has made me hug E and L tighter. Made me take more time with them. Made me try not take them for granted.

Her post on Monday moved me in a way I cannot explain. Her writing is lovely, stunning in its description of him and of her love for him.

Monday night Landon had a reaction to a new item in his diet (another story for another post) and he was terribly, pitifully sick. Screaming in pain, throwing up, dry heaving, exhausted. I was tired and worried & I laid down in his floor to sit with him for a while. Each time he would get upset I would stand at his crib and rub his back.

In the middle of the night, in the dark of his room, I began to think of C and her sweet boy. I started crying. Muffled sobs. Big tears. For a woman a whole country away.

I don't think I would have posted about this, but earlier today a friend of a friend suffered the loss of a baby in utero and I just needed to talk about it. I can't explain it.

Why was I able to conceive my babies so easily? Why was I able to carry both pregnancies to full term?

Why do clueless, hopeless, careless women have babies they don't love or care for but smart, loving, established women are denied?

Why?

(C - if you happen to read this post, I hope you don't want to kick me for writing about you. You and Callum have impacted me a great deal.)

Cuddlebug

From the moment I knew he was on his way I loved him.

I was more excited and more in love with his pregnancy. I was never ambivalent about it. I never doubted it. Once I made up my mind to have him I never looked back.

From the moment Jon said "Hello, boy" I was hooked. He has been more loving, more sweet, more patient and easier than she ever was. His whole first year has been different. Granted, he's been sick and I've had to watch everything he eats and he's been a whole lot more expensive, but he's swwet and gentle.

He'll be one tomorrow and I can't believe it. It's been a year of ups and downs for all of us, but I won't complain. Tomorrow I will be watching him eat cake and I will be thankful and grateful and full of love for this little man.

Happy first birthday Cuddlebug. You fill up my heart and my arms. You are a joy in my life and I love you more than there are words to express. You have made your sister smile and giggle and you have allowed me to mother you.

You have completed our family and I thank God for all that you are.

Thoughtstopping...

I should have....
I need to....
I have to....
I meant to....
What if I only I had....
I wonder if I'll be able to....
I can't believe I didn't...
I'm so mad at myself for not....


This is my mind all the time - racing with thoughts of past or future events. Worry, fretting, concerning myself with things I can't control yet trying to control them.

I saw the counselor on Wednesday and he introduced me to the idea of Mindfulness. From mindfulness.com:

You are not your thoughts. Our thoughts take us away from being here now. If I am thinking about the past, or worried about the future, I am a prisoner of my thoughts. When I take a moment to observe myself having thoughts, I am no longer the thoughts. I get to be and observe at the same time.

One of the best things he told me about is thoughtstopping and I think I know some of you who could use this one too. Here's my interpretation of it:

Identify that you are thinking about something that's stressing you out. For some of us, that's the hard part!

Ask yourself if this thought is something you can or can't control.

If it's something you can control - can you deal with it at that exact moment or not? I find myself at midnight worrying about something that's going to happen three days from now. Well, clearly I can't do anything about that, so when I thoughtstop I tell myself - Okay, that's not something I can deal with right now so there's no reason to stress over it.

If it's something you can't control it might be more difficult. I find myself worrying about E going to kindergarten (she's only 3 1/2). That thought scares me, but guess what - I can't stop it. She's going to go to kindergarten. So, I have to tell myself that's something I can't control and spending time worrying about it doesn't do me or her any good.

Maybe this isn't exactly the right way to use it, but doing it this way has been helpful to me.

L goes back tomorrow for his one year allergy testing. They'll be looking at environmental allergens and maybe, just maybe we can take him off the $400 formula!!!! Whoo - hoo!

I was listening to this cd on the way home last night and this song just really got me. I think a lot of us feel this way at least every now and then so I thought I'd post it.

From the Wreckers album: Stand Still, Look Pretty

I want to paint my face
And pretend that I am someone else
Sometimes I get so fed up
I don't even want to look at myself
But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I hate the way you look at me
I have to say I wish I could start over

I am slowly falling apart
I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
You might think it's easy being me
You just stand still, look pretty

Sometimes I find myself shaking
In the middle of the night
And then it hits me and I can't
Even believe this is my life
But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I wish that everyone would go and shut their mouths
I'm not strong enough to deal with it

I am not making this up....

So, I've been stressed lately. A different kind of stress - it's very physical: my neck, shoulders, head all hurting, sick to my stomach kind of stress. Not the kind that having a day to eat ice cream and a hot bath will fix. But the kind that hangs over you, the kind that makes you not want to look at people because they might see it.

I decided yesterday I needed to take advantage of the Employee Assistance Program (EAP) here that offers free counseling through an outside venue. I whip out my benefits packet and call the 800 line. The line picks up and says - I quote:

"Hello lover...". Huh, surely I dialed wrong.

I call back, this time with one of the part time secretaries in my office & speaker phone so she can make sure I'm dialing right.

"Hello lover....my girlfriends and I can talk to you in a group or we can talk all alone...one on one". At this point Gayle and I are completely dumbfounded. They printed the wrong number to the COUNSELOR in the BENEFITS PACKET and I was connected with phone sex line!!!!!

Now, the cherry on top of this already delicious sundae of nonsense: when I finally get the correct phone number from human resources, the EAP secretary says "Claude doesn't have anything available, I'll put you through to his voice mail".

Gee. Thanks.

Of course this story has quickly become legend among my faculty colleagues here because I know my thresholds and that I needed help, but many people don't know their stress levels and at the point they sought help from the EAP they might have already had a gun or God knows what.

Just a couple of years ago one of our employees left his desk after an argument with his wife, got a gun, shot her lover and her. Killed her lover and she's been in rough condition hardly able to walk since then.

What if he had thought before he did that "I should call the EAP." and got the phone sex line?


P.S. I'm seeing the counselor tomorrow at 12 so hopefully I'll have a cheerier post later this week.